Is Affirmative Training Denial?

It was during a meeting in an online class called Back in the Saddle. We’d shared videos of the week’s work, each participant moving ahead at their own pace and level, and each person paired with a unique horse with a history of his own. Some were bringing horses back from time off, some of the people had taken time off. I’m an affirmative trainer and listening to me chirp on about the changes I see in the horses could get tiresome. The cheering and fist pumps during videos, my incessant big teeth. Does the positive talk wear thin?

The horse takes a few steps away, he needs to move, and that’s good. I talk about his calming signals, as they relate to brain function. More praise, it might not be the answer we hoped for, but the horse gets his say. How can I help but fall for these horses? Especially the stoic ones. Chirp, chirp. And the commitment I see in the participants, recognizing the effort it takes to stay the course and continue to listen and try when it seems nothing is happening. The courage to trust an answer that isn’t flattering, stay in the conversation with the horse, and ask again. Chirpy-chirp. I think the participants are nothing short of heroic for being so vulnerable. Naturally, I can’t help it when I see someone hurl a big exhale. CHIRP-chirp-chirp. CHIRP! Does the bliss-ninny chirping get on your nerves, just a bit?

Someone asked the best question ever. “How can we trust your praise when you don’t correct us?”

It was like asking if white existed without black. The question has nudged me all week. Are we waiting for the other shoe to fall? Holding our breath because we dread correction, but think we might deserve it? We know there’s constant stress on our systems when we habitually expect the worst but at the same time, can right exist if we are not affirming all the wrong we see. Are we ever right enough to feel safe? Is this how horses feel?

I took the question to Bhim. He weighs less than the goat and ranks in my lifetime top ten list of interesting horses. He came here from a local rescue for training after crossing a couple of state lines, roughing up a cowboy or two, and developing a grudge the size of Africa. I did not turn him around in thirty days. Or ninety. A mini who hates people doesn’t have a lot of options, but by then Edgar Rice Burro had taken to him, so he stayed.

Now that time was unlimited, my training plan was to accept him just the way he was. Yes, he had to tolerate a halter and stand for the farrier, holding his breath while she hummed to him and kept it quick. Hoof care isn’t negotiable but he didn’t have to like her. Or me. That was six years ago and we’ve both had time to think. Bhim continues to nurse his grudge. Seeing any human puts him on full alert. What if he isn’t wrong? His biggest problem is still me. I see him as perfect and he knows he’s damaged and somehow, it’s my fault. Twisted logic, but I accept that.

Maybe you think I should be grooming him. He hates it and I accept that. Maybe you think I should demand he let me do something with that crazy mane. Take a look at mine; who am I to judge? Everything feels like a correction to him and correction of any kind will affirm his worst fears. Can you relate?

There is absolutely nothing to gain if the only conversation he understands is being wrong. I accept that, too. If all the judging and correcting has made him deaf to humans, I understand. I refuse to create more anxiety, and feeling sorry for him doesn’t help him. Being a rescue might be a normal condition. We have all been failed by people, we are all recovering from loss. And human or horse, we have learned all we ever need to know about fear and punishment. It stops here.

Last month, Bhim got his head stuck between the shed and a gate. The more he pulled, the more he was stuck. By the time I found him, the ground was torn deep. He hates touch on a good day; coming up on his rear would be impossible. I could see blood. The quiet sound of my voice set off a bigger fight, bucking backward from the gate and at the same time, away from me. He was hysterical, he didn’t hear me praise him, and his flight response wasn’t working. He exploded, pulling back with all his might, as I pushed the gate forward, the only way to release the chain but in the process, squeezing his head tighter. Am I destroying years of work with him? We both bore down, in total opposition. Good boy, I grunted as he desperately fought me. That long moment of dread. Is he different than a wild animal caught in a trap? Finally, after a huge exhale, he paused an instant and I wedged the chain free. He stood back, his legs braced. I’m still chirping praise. His eyes are okay but both sides of his temple area are scraped and bloody. He isn’t moving his neck right. The last thing he needs is my anxiety, so I give him hay, but he spits it out. I haul water close but watch from a distance. After dark he takes a bite of mush. He’s breathing normally now. I can’t make any of this okay, so remind him he’s a good boy and go inside. In the morning he looked better.

This week, Bhim wandered up and extended his nose while I was spraying Edgar’s legs. It doesn’t take a genius to see how flyspray works. Since he asked, I sprayed Bhim’s front legs exactly twice. Then I chirped and left the pen. No need to get greedy.

Affirmative training isn’t ignoring bad things, especially as drama and angst are washing over us. There is no denying the darkness is there all the time, it continues whether we affirm it or not. Is the quality of our suffering dulled by insisting on seeing the light? Is it okay to feel good? A question: is optimism silly or an act of rebellion over our horse’s past and our own? It sounds inane, chirping into a headwind isn’t easy, but there is dynamic power when we truly accept ourselves and our horses, imperfect as we are. No excuses, no threats, just the safety of yes.

Anna Blake for Relaxed & Forward

Want more? Visit The Relaxed & Forward Barn School to see our class schedule, online courses and virtual clinics available on a revolving basis on Calming Signals, Affirmative Training, and More. Join our community there. Or go to AnnaBlake.com to find out more, book a live consultation or lesson, subscribe for email delivery of this blog, or ask a question about the art and science of working with horses. Join us in The Barn, our online training group with video sharing, audio blogs, live chats with Anna, and so much more.

Working with riders of any discipline and horses of any breed, Anna believes affirmative dressage training principals build a relaxed & forward foundation that crosses over all riding disciplines in the same way that the understanding Calming Signals benefits all equine communication.

Anna Blake

30 thoughts on “Is Affirmative Training Denial?”

  1. Poor little Bhim. The thought of what was done to him to create this kind of fear really pisses me off. BUT doesnt do him or me any good to look at it that way. I realize sympathy & baby talk & getting close only exaggerates what he already feels. I suppose there are those who couldnt understand that (not here on this blog) but boy has to make it hard to step back & not be able to physically DO stuff! Thank heavens for Edgar Rice Burro!!
    For anyone involved in rescues – be it dogs, cats, horses or for that matter, humans – it has to be such a tough challenge to do enough – but not too much.
    Sounds like you are in the right place, Anna

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  2. It would have been a real act of restraint not to shower him with glowing praise when Bhim allowed himself to be fly-sprayed. But I can visualize myself heading to a “lonely” spot to chirp my head off with glee!
    Hope his now positive opinion of you continues to grow!

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  3. What an enlightening question that was? This way of being in world is so much more peaceful, even amongst the heartbreak.

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  4. I needed this. There is a similar mini I’m my life who is at the stage of accepting some of the things I’m doing to try to help, sometimes. Leaving his pen yesterday after being unsuccessful at hoof trimming…ha, unsuccessful at much more than a skeptical glance, truthfully, I just kept repeating that the point isn’t the trim or the bodywork, or him “liking me”, it’s to be a human who doesn’t force or coerce him because his size make it possible…..I appreciate you drawing attention to the fact that maybe the only one that will ultimately affect change in, is me.

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  5. I work in the profession of behavior modification – I’m a pro mentor to entrepreneurs and have been for 3 decades teaching and – yes CHIRPING – in programs I designed to address various challenges and desired outcomes. In all, I am also chirping, focused on the positive progress, kindly redirecting what is not productive (or even counter-). Even as I listen to myself, I also sometimes wonder if my inherited unflappable ability to see the best in all circumstances is as effective as more critical options.

    Then I remember of my favorite phrases from my riding trainer: ride what you want. We don’t unwind the ride I don’t want, we just go straight to riding what I do. Remembering too that famously underdogged winner of the Kentucky Derby a few years ago when the jockey was asked how he won on such a long-shot horse. He responded, “I rode him like he was a good horse.”

    So I’m going to continue to ride the horse I want, lead the entrepreneurs I know will be most successful, and chirp with a fellow chirpee about the power of positive reinforcement.

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    • Big fat chirp. There is a perverse joy in being relentless, I notice. Thanks, Dodie. There was a day back before computers when a trainer told me to ride like a trainer. Oh.

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  6. Loved: my training plan was to accept him just as he was.” I’m going to post that all over the house and maybe have it tattooed in reverse on my forehead so I can see it every time I look in the mirror(which is rare – you can tell by looking at my wild hair). Yes. Thank you. We are all imperfect and doing the best we can! Yes. Thank you, Anna! I’ll remember this when dealing with my stepdaughters. Accept them just the way they are! Thank you!

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  7. Yes. I liked this one a lot, oh favorite bliss-ninny and fly spray sharer. Perhaps when we exist in the affirmative, we can better see the denial, so an argument could be made for the courageousness of the yes.

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  8. You must know I am loving this one !!! And NO, we do not get tired of your encouraging us along the way !!! I won’t call it chirping because to me, it sounds so much deeper and warmer than a mere chirp when you comment on what is done well. Your affirmations have rescued me from despair about my horsemanship !

    I hope Bhim allows you that wiggle room going forward.

    BTW, I read somewhere it takes 9 positives to outweigh 1 negative… the negative comments carry so much power, we need a lot of positive to outweigh the negative.

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  9. Wow, I was about to pass by with a “Surely I’ll come back later–I don’t have time.” This blog was so important to me. They all are. But this one. Especially. Thank you.

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  10. Bless you for taking the time to work(?) with Bhim. I think he does appreciate you and your efforts although he would never admit it! He is very lucky that he ended up with you.

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  11. An absolute favorite! You and I think the same but you find such better words! I’m always so happy when I make time to read your beautiful writing, thank you! I’ve been applying this to ALL areas of my world lately, and seeing miracles everywhere. Bhim is so fortunate to have found such a soft landing with you! I wish you both continued peace and understanding.

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