“I tried everything,” my client says. This isn’t something that I hear once in a long while. It’s a time-honored tradition, consistently stated. Sometimes, there is a time deadline but mostly it happens on an ordinary day. My client says it, so I’ll know what they have been thorough before contacting me. It’s implied, almost like a dare, if I’m a good trainer, it’s my job to calm the client, blame the horse and give a quick trick to make the horse behave. But the horse isn’t wrong.
“I tried everything!” my client repeats.
“Yes,” I say. There is a quick slide show in my brain. I am silent because I know all the crazy methods we’ve been taught to tease, maneuver, or dominate a horse into doing what we want. Besides, my client has clearly identified the problem in three words and it doesn’t matter that it was done with the best of intentions. I will fail my client because none of the things I have to say will be pleasant to hear.
My client knows it’s a horrible mess but they are desperate to fix it. Now they have named the second problem. When the anxiety about the task becomes bigger than the task, horses get nervous and inch toward their sympathetic system. That means flight, fight, or freeze and none of those are the right answer.
When we start training with kind, cooperative methods, it always seems amazing that horses do as we ask so easily. But we don’t trust it because it’s simple and if it works once, it was a fluke. Even if Affirmative Training works generally, in a real emergency, we don’t think this kind of pussy-footed, breath-counting, bliss-ninny affirmative method would work. So, we are faithless to the method and yup, it doesn’t work. When we need it the most, rather than a strong committed focus, we give it a doubtful half-hearted attempt, knowing the attempt will fail before the horse answers. And see, we were right.
The horse’s side of the conversation is that we were acting a little unfaithful (coyote-like) so they go slow, painfully slow, because they’re conflicted. They don’t see a problem but it feels like something is wrong, the very definition of a calming signal. Unfaithful is the right word when we give a horse reason to doubt us. We let ourselves be distracted by overthinking, listening to railbirds, or making up stories in our minds. We think of everything but the horse.
The horse knows how to do the thing but loses confidence because his human has changed. The horse hasn’t said no, just that he needs time to process our doubt. If we can’t tell the difference between caution and refusal, we are primed to do something foolish. The horse has given some calming signals, all of which went over the human’s head because we are too busy being unfaithful to the process to notice. The horse had already begun to take the cue but we interrupted them with conflicting cues.
This is when we remember our tattoo. It’s the one we are all born with. The tattoo says “You can’t let your horse win.”
One minute feels like ten and patience evaporates. We give up on one technique after another because that’s what it means to lose faith in our horse. Soon after, we get stiff in our shoulders and hands. Our voice gets edgy and harsh. We swing ropes, pop whips, and jerk leads. We change because it seems to not be working but the horse only appears to not be learning. When push comes to shove, we feel justified to push and shove. By then, the horse has lost trust, we’re stuck, and domination doesn’t work either.
We are mad or frustrated or incredulous because we have done everything we could think of and the horse is refusing. And the horse is refusing because everything we do contradicts everything they do. The horse has tried but can’t find the right answer. Finally the horse and human can agree: Nothing works.
Nothing works because we’ve tried it all; being nice, teasing with treats, being harsh, using fancy training aids, crying, pleading, and yelling. We have flipped personalities so often our dog wouldn’t recognize us, and it’s left us dizzy and a bit disoriented. Nothing works because we’ve tried everything.
Nothing works because the horse is frozen and confounded and distrusting. They are afraid of us when we are spooky and unpredictable. If our horse was our therapist, they’d diagnose us with bipolar disorder or maybe a split personality disorder. But horses are not therapists. They are not human. They don’t want to be.
Consistency works. But that ship has left. Sorry.
Know this for the truth: Once instinct has taken over, the horse doesn’t worry about the human, not for a second, because the horse will put their own safety first every time. It’s a life-or-death equation to them. We fail them when we don’t understand that. And today we have gone too far.
To slow down and breathe in the heat of a battle is an act of courage that goes against the tattoo. That’s on us.
What do you do when you have tried everything? Just stop.
You were right about one thing. We do need to win the fight, but that’s easy. Just stop.
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Anna Blake, Relaxed & Forward
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Affirmative training is the fine art of saying yes.
Oh oh oh…..yes!!!! You know I have a horse who has lived more of his life than he should have with “nothing works”. I remember that phrase being the first phrase I said to you when I thought maybe you had a better way to teach me. I was right! This stuff works if you can only find the courage in yourself to let it. I am your biggest cheerleader, Anna!! Preach on! The choir is listening.
I fell hard for that horse, just like you did. Yay you for making him right at last. Thanks Shauna.
The tattoo says “You can’t let your horse win.” – Excellent!! Yes, this was taught to me over the years, too. As if just stopping means certain defeat. My mule and I reviewed this lesson recently: she has been doing exceptionally well and we have been a true unified team, but a weird circumstance involving pigs arose, and we were both a little “lost”. We are fine – had a good ride yesterday, and I could feel us re-linking/re-unifying. I have since removed my tattoo. Thank you for your words. – Carol and Andromeda
Thanks Carol… and with a mule, especially.
Yes! I love the term bliss-ninny too!
Takes one to know one. Thanks Kate
“To slow down and breathe in the heat of a battle is an act of courage . . ” My favorite line, and not just for horse interactions.
Isn’t it, Kate? It feels so powerful if you get there in time. Thanks, hope you are well.
I have a new tattoo (for real) and it’s Sanskrit for breathe. It’s so powerful! So Simple! But so hard for many.
Still want that T-shirt that says, “Recovering predator” and now “bliss-ninny”
More swag ideas, and your mare says thank you, too.
I can relate to this! I had a horse for 4 1/2 years, sent her to many trainers, took myself to trainers, took us both to trainers but nothing seemed to work. I had a mindset that it couldn’t possibly be the horse, it HAD to be me. I’d been riding for many years & had several horses. Finally, our last ride when she tried to, literally, kill me, I had enough and sold her. She was bought, in 3 days, by a trainer who didn’t let her get away with anything and she was great for him. My new horse is wonderful, very well-trained, sensible and every ride is good. Sometimes, the rider and horse are not a good match!
I can relate to this! I had a horse for 4 1/2 years, sent her to many trainers, took myself to trainers, took us both to trainers but nothing seemed to work. I had a mindset that it couldn’t possibly be the horse, it HAD to be me. I’d been riding for many years & had several horses. Finally, our last ride when she tried to, literally, kill me, I had enough and sold her. She was bought, in 3 days, by a trainer who didn’t let her get away with anything and she was great for him. My new horse is wonderful, very well-trained, sensible and every ride is good. Sometimes, the rider and horse are not a good match!
I’m laughing pretty dang hard. I talk to myself (hopefully in my head) all the time. When I have the audacity to think “but I’ve tried *everything*!”. I hear it. I hear the words in dramatic form. I roll my internal eyes and I think, “so stop trying everything”. Just stop. As you so wonderfully said.
I’m also struck by the mixed message of our tattoos: “Never let the horse win.” On the left, and “Always make sure you quit on a positive (win)” on the right. No wonder we’re bouncing around. As if we can’t all win with good training.
Love it!
As if!!! Exactly, but why isn’t that the tattoo? Thanks, Jane
Anna, I love that you just “tell it like it is” – you are so horse-like in that respect 🙂 And I love your Daily Quotes in my email, such great reminders of things I know but need a reminder to keep it up. So, I thought I’d tell you about an interaction yesterday with Luke, and I have to say, during this I kinda had your reminders and ideas in the back of my head:
Luke, young and energetic, and now confined to stall and small run while he heals from lameness, finds himself often with excess energy that he can’t deal with so well. He does love his blanket (he grows so little winter hair, he shivers on winter nights if he doesn’t have a blanket). So, generally, I feed the evening hay, and while he eats it, I put on the blanket, and he just stands there, clearly happy to have his blanket.
But yesterday, he was a little on edge, and I came in with the blanket, and he turned around, thinking about leaving his stall and going out in the pen. I stopped, and just stood there. Felt my feet. Said out loud “I’ll put your blanket on if you turn around so I can reach you.” Then I just breathed and did no thinking. I waited a long time (maybe in reality 20 – 30 seconds? seemed long). Breathed, felt my feet. And then Luke just turned around, took a bit of hay, looked at me like, “Well? Are you going to put it on, Lady?” And so I did, and he stood quietly for it to go on. When I stepped back, he turned around and went outside to look around, and then came back in.
“Bliss-ninny”! Love it.
Oh, hallelujah. Our little boy is volunteering. That’s the secret; we have to give them the chance. Well done!
Anna, I have trouble telling the difference between caution and refusal, particularly with Ferd’s older brother Noche. The typical scenario is that I get a halter and approach him about about 3-5ft. away between shoulder and flank. I wait until he acknowledges my presence by turning his head to look at me, then I move up to the shoulder and wait again for his head to turn. He generally looks away again, then I hold out the halter and wait, and he usually turns to me again. I then slip the halter on, take a deep relaxing breath, and walk on until I hit the end of the rope. Noche stands there as though cemented to the ground. I wait, then encourage by taking a few steps, then wait some more. I don’t stand close, I try moving to his flank to lead from behind, but no movement. Eventually I give up, take off the halter and he walks away. Caution or refusal? It feels like refusal, but I really don’t know. He is clear with his communication under most other circumstances, be it with another horse, a dog, or a human.
I’d need to see a video at least… I can’t guess from what you describe. That sounds like a wonderful haltering process. There are a hundred reasons he might be reluctant afterward, especially since we don’t know his history. Want to play a game? Put a neck ring on him, no halter, lead attached to the neck ring and see what he says. (Heading to Joni’s the first week in June..) Let me know what he does. Good luck, Laurie.
I will play that game, thank you!
Maybe we can arrange for you to visit around your trip to Joni’s? I was heartbroken that I couldn’t make it happen last summer.
“I’ve tried everything”; when I think back now to saying that, I feel like a 7yr old whining that “I can’t do it”. I know now that if I’m dealing with horses, I obviously haven’t tried everything or I wouldn’t be standing there saying that! If the horse isn’t giving me the answer I want then I know I’m not asking the question in the right way. Yesterday I wanted to fly spray my gelding, which is usually easily done at liberty but yesterday he gave me a look of “nope not today”. I let him pass but as he did he swung his head around to bite at his flank, I immediately reached out to scratch the spot for him and he immediately stopped to enthusiastically enjoy it. When I finally stopped, he looked at me and sniffed the spray bottle as if to say, what are you waiting for? He stood beautifully to get sprayed head to hoof and I walked on air for the rest of the day. Thanks Anna!!!!!
Horses appreciate time to answer on the second ask… I’m the same way. Your horse says thanks, Sueann