Wrung out and pooped from consecutive days of snow and 40 mph winds, interspersed with monster gusts that felt like open-hand slaps. The horses stayed under shelter until the storm broke and then dragged themselves out to open dirt and slept all afternoon. I was too tired. The difference between life and the weather is during a severe storm, you tie things down and wait for it to pass. In life, you half-believe you get a tiny bit of steering, even heading toward a cliff.
How I could tell I was losing it: I kept staring out my studio window during the storm. The window faces north, toward the barn. The snow had obliterated my window, so thick that barely any light came through. Then I’d go into the bathroom and stand in the shower looking out that window for the identical view. Then I walked to the freezer, pulled out a Girl Scout thin mint, and went back to the first window.
How I could tell I was losing it: I was way too interested in a small patch of bulbs at Emily’s farm. Emily lives in Washington state, where winter has fewer months. She has been posting daffodil progress updates, which I cling to like a lonely girl waiting for her phone to ring. Tiny shoots are buds now and the suspense is killing me. Meanwhile, the ducks and geese are loitering on our frozen pond, tapping their webbed toes, as impatient as me. Don’t tell them where I keep the cookies.
How I could tell I was losing it: I saw a cybertruck at an intersection with a magnetic door sign identifying a small local business. I felt sorry for him first because my immediate reaction was a blinding-hot desire to broadside him. I felt actual rage. And sorry secondly because his small business is probably struggling like mine. On top of that, I was in the passenger seat and couldn’t reach the gas pedal, anyway. Which is my overall feeling about life these days.
I’m a political science geek who got a jumpstart watching Meet the Press in high school. The world fascinates me, but my primary concerns are women, climate, and global welfare. I’m not as interested in partisan politics, other than to think there are too many old white men making decisions for women. Too many pasty-skinned office dwellers who spend too little time outdoors to know nature’s infinite worth. Too many power plays and false walls driving the world apart rather than building peaceful interdependence for all. Sure, it’s asking a lot.
This week, I agreed with David Brooks, a conservative who now seems moderate. We’re both nauseated. Bereft for the dream of America. Not recognizing our home or neighbors. So much loss, so much hardness. And I got depressed.
Sometimes in the middle of the night, my dog moves out of arm’s reach because the compulsive petting is keeping him awake. I worry about the future of our species. They say women our age are too old to care, but we aren’t too old to remember. I worry about who we might become if we lose our integrity. If we break all our promises. Watching Meet the Press hasn’t changed. Politics isn’t a faraway soap opera. It’s alive and personal. We carry the blood of the immigrants who built this country on freedom, not domination. The Wall Street economy lives in our pockets. The Golden Rule still applies.
Lately, it hurts to watch the news. Things we’ve done should embarrass us. We flipped sides and lost our way. We started fights with our neighbors. Maybe politicians can’t see out their windows either. They forgot America is bigger than its bickering parts. Ugly as it is, now is no time to look away. Maybe especially women of a certain age who have been told one too many times they are too “emotional” for the important work. They’re making us look more intelligent and well balanced by the minute.
Why should a horse trainer lip off about politics? I’m what they call a micropreneur. Just me, self-employed, and hanging on while paying higher prices for my online sites, liability insurance, and business overhead. And none of my horses seems prone to egg laying, so there’s all that, too. Not to mention I pay more taxes than billionaires who want to fly into space but don’t have the decency to make it a one-way trip.
I’m the sort of rugged individual one party claims to value, but like the other party, I feel compassion for those who have less. And I’m lucky. I have a farm and can’t stand around eating thin mints all day. There is manure to muck. It isn’t a literary analogy. It’s the physical activity that clears excrement from the barn, but also the mind. A couple hundred pounds of muck, and I remember just who I am.
Why should a horse trainer lip off about politics? Because in a free country, politics is everyone’s business. We can’t simply bear witness when we have voices that stand in the wind. Strength and wisdom to share. Horses are boring, they say. Horse women are all nuts, they say. What I write has a broader meaning in relationships, in life skills, and sometimes I hope these words encourage us to slog on. Even when it feels like spring will never come. I write parables about horses, but I intend to affirm the best of who we are, because I know us. We have watched love die, and against the odds, survived to love again and yet again.
I like to call us Gray Mares. Borrowed respect for elder mares who have a well-earned confidence, along with the practical knowledge of how things should run. Blind obedience isn’t even on a mare’s list of possibles. She takes herself seriously, a concept frequently lost on geldings. She keeps a sense of humor, also lost on geldings. How to get on the good side of a mare? Don’t underestimate her or get in her way. Respect her independence. Acknowledge her intelligence by listening. Be honest and keep your word. Be worthy of her trust.
If mares were to quote a human, they might choose Eleanor Roosevelt. She walked with a coltish stride in practical shoes, and was called “horse-faced” by people she intimidated. Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Need a break from the chaos? Take a day to cry and howl and nap under your grandmother’s quilt. Then pull on your Wellies and grab your forks.
…
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Great job, Anna, we need more “influencers” who comment on more than just shades of nail polish (who’s got fingernails anyway?)
Yeah. Not many beauty tips here. Thanks, Susan
Oh, come on, the best one ever came from you: “Have a dog or horse over your shoulder in all photos.”
Best and only. Also undeniable.
A great read as always. I would love to see this shared and shared and shared again.
Me, too. Thanks Paula
One of your best, my friend. I thought you might enjoy this… old grey mares are a transnational bunch! https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/elbows-up-seriously-angry-grannies-and-menopause-mafia-protest-trump-in-ottawa-1.7474345
Thanks, Paula. Going to take a look.
Thanks you Anna. Beautiful words.
This frigid blustery icy winter…a metaphor for it all?
I watched and helped my arthritic mare through it as she continues to watch and help me. Yesterday she was standing powerful and proud as ever, glad for a warm day and dry dirt under her, herding and gathering her two friends around her to eat peacefully from one bag of hay.
My friend reminded me yesterday during MY little panic attack that the old grey mare Earth continues to support us from below – that we need to call on it and each other for grounding, and that we can and must sooth ourselves with joy.
Blessings from the barn, held close by the Earth. Thanks, Cathy.
Thank you Anna. Every word went straight to my heart.
Mine to yours… thanks, Ann
Thank you for this. I, too, have been horribly depressed — trying to limit my news consumption to preserve what’s left of my mental health but unable to look away from the train wreck shattering our democracy. I no longer have horses, so my dog walks have gotten longer and longer in defense of my sanity. Meanwhile I write to my congress people, make my small donations to the groups filing the lawsuits and hope I survive to see the return of a country I can be proud of. Failing that, I hope the natural world survives this disaster.
Thank you for all you do, Lee, and thank God for dogs.
Thank you, Anna! It is so good to hear from people who can still see ( snow or no snow)!
Thanks, Claudia. We’d do better if we were a herd…
Boy howdy did I need to hear your words today. Thank Anna, I’m gonna finish up my howling for today and head to the barn.
I’ll join you. Thanks, Anne
I am sure there will be some who don’t want to hear you talking politics but these issues apply to all of us and all of us need to be talking about them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Well, not everyone wants to hear what I think about horses, so it isn’t new. I appreciate the support, Susan. Thanks.
Thank you Anna for bringing some light heartedness and smiles to our house.. here in Maine we’re having MORE big wind with bigger gusts, and to add to that, just as yeesterdays rain melted almost all the snow and ice, more snow! Just when we felt SO close to spring…
I am wondering how you like your new manure spreader? We need one here.. I saw the photo of it in your post, which reminded me to ask you… what brand is yours??
We sold our 4X4 before leaving WA state… and so not sure how we’ll pull it around yet? but first things first..
Thanks again
Thanks, Todd. This is the crazy-mean part of winter.
(I liked my old Newer Spreader much better, but this was half the price…)
The world needs the voice of Gray Mares more than ever. Thank you for reminding us and for your voice
I appreciate you, my friend. Thanks.
Hello Anna~
I can’t thank you enough for this post. It hits all the right notes and gives me a little hope. I have a little plaque on the door to my office that says, “When in doubt, let your horse do the thinking.” I thanks all the gods every day that I have horses to love on and balance all the negative vibes I feel in the U S of A.
With love and respect~
Grey Mare/Pat
Thanks, Grey Mare Pat. As expensive as keeping horses is, the benefits still outweigh the costs.
Best yet! Keep lipping off! But, only ONE thin mint? (omg, echoes of Monty Python!) I’m more than halfway thru a THIRD large bag of Cadbury mini eggs, also kept in the freezer. Missing my muck therapy, between a 3-week bought with the flu and too much winter cold to actually pick it up without explosives. Altho I love winter and snow, looking forward to an upcoming thaw here in NE MI so I can get to work. Thanks Anna!
Ah, patti. I mean one thin mint per trip. Call it exercise to walk back. I’ll try some mini eggs for DEI. Feel better soon, muck is calling.
Thank you, Anna! So important . . . and so well said. I particularly love the line about being in the passenger’s seat, and also the one about not having the decency to make it a one way trip. Good to be able to laugh, and you almost always make that happen . . . even in the worst of times. Thank you for caring and thank you for letting us know you care.
As Elizabeth Gilbert often closes,
Onward!
Kate
Thanks, Kate. Dark humor is still humor…
Thank you for this, Anna.
You’re welcome, Gray Mare.
You have no idea how much this helps…..I’m not a crier but I struggle not to break into tears, not for myself but for the world, Ukraine, our forests and my neighbors. This anger and grief I feel is sucking the energy out of me and I can’t find the energy and optimism to spend with my horse. There is, however, a pen to clean and like you said; it helps!
Mucking for peace, Billie. Take care.
What do politics have to do with me?
I’m not an immigrant, or a black person, or a Muslim,
or a Jew, or a gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender,
or a woman, or an old person, or a young person.
Or a student, or a union member, or an artist,
or a journalist, or a scientist, or a public employee.
I don’t breathe the air or drink the water.
I don’t live in a coastal region that will be affected by sea level rise,
or an arid region that will be affected by drought or fire.
I don’t like chocolate, wine or coffee or other commodities
that will no longer be available due to climate change.
I’m not mentally ill, pregnant, disabled or currently being shot at so…
What do politics have to do with me?
(Sourced from a comedian on Tiktok whose name I cannot find to give credit to)
Found it – his name is Nato Green
Thanks. I’ll have to look him up. Better than late night cynics
Amen!
Exactly.
Oh, thank you for this, Christian. Best wishes.
I too have been agreeing with David Brooks lately. Imagine. “Not to mention I pay more taxes than billionaires who want to fly into space but don’t have the decency to make it a one-way trip.” Perfect. And thank you for helping me appreciate and understand what my mare tells me.
A little manure between mares is a good thing. Thanks Deirdre.
Much better put and more creative than the rant I have been on for the last four months. I live in Texas, where bad weather lasts for a few days, but I can’t recall a winter this cold and dark or a time when spring seemed so far away.
If we muck long enough, spring always comes. Thanks Peggy
Wow! Such honesty is appreciated! I protect myself too much…
I did tear up a little when I read, “I intend to affirm the best
of who we are, because I know us.”
As horsewomen (gray mares!) we have had to be radically
resilient and encourage the spark of positivity. None of
this is easy and so often not fulfilling.
Am signing off to go muck manure and scratdh
my mare’s forehead. Blessings, Ev
We are always stronger than we think, us gray mares. Give her a scratch from me, too, Evelyn.
Thank you so much for this (from the UK).
You’re welcome, Jenny. Some of us love our neighbors.
Yesterday was a rough day mentally and physically for me – to top off driving around (listening to news radio) trying to find an urgent care unit that might take me, an untimely wind gust blew the car door into my chin as I opened it. So, yes, I needed this today, after a night stroking the dog, ultimately with just a light foot. Reading this, as the wind howls around the house mid-morning, with eyes welling up a few paragraphs in, but then clear-eyed and feeling a little braver by the end. Thanks, Anna, for putting our predicament the way you do. That is a lot of work – oh, that you may reap rewards for the sanity you offer. I can now brave it down to the barn to get my mucking therapy before the herd returns to join me when it might feel better to be around me.
Minna, sounds like a grizzly night for you. Hope you are on the mend, a little longear help to finish mucking.
So, I did send it to a few people, and can’t resist sending you part of my sister’s comment . . . that’s the sister who used to be dean of graduate studies at various well known colleges. (She really liked your last book, too.)
“Wow!!!! Magnificent writing! So many lines I love and wish I had written myself. My favorite though is Eleanor Rosevelt’s ‘ no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.'”
I agree, Roosevelt is a genius!
Speaking for all of us yet again. I’ll be back to mucking therapy soon when cleared. In the meantime, I’ll keep torturing you with daffodil progress reports…
Emily, I hang on your every blossom, rest in your every sunset. Heal well, my friend.
Sane and articulate. I needed this viewpoint this morning.,
Thank you, Shirley.
I know if you are watching every day, it looks dreary “out there.” And i want to encourage you (as in all of us) to look for the goodness, look for the Joy, see the beauty. It truly is out there. Hug a tree. Yes, things appear very challenging right now. Turn off the news and connect with friends, family, people you love. Send Love to everything you here that concerns you. Yes, Love actually does heal. The more of us sending Love and kindness into the world, the sooner we can turn around this drama and come to a place of peace. Honestly. It’s true! Much Love and Gratitude to you, Anna!
Thanks, Carolyn.
On point newsletter today, Anna. All comments are great. Here’s mine:
Pericles: “Just because you do not take an interest in politics, doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you.”
All that said, blessed are those who wield the muck fork, for they hold the power to spread the manure around where young things will eventually grow! (At least that’s how it works at my barn)
Isn’t that just the thing. Keep up the good mucking, Lynell.
❤️
Thanks
It feels bad enough, watching, over here in the UK. My heart cracks for all the good in your country and for all the current anger and division. We have been lucky this week with a false spring. but the ground has dried, the air is warm and the skies have been blue. and The Sun!! it has led me outside more and away from the news, because the news hurts. we know its false, we know it wont last , but hell yes lets make the most of it.
maybe being a woman of a certain age means we can care more, because we do remember? (well some things anyhow!!)
i hope spring comes soon to your corner of Colorado
we all need it
Thanks Chris. We do all need it.
Seems like there will always be “sides” and there are horse women (and men) on both sides. It is so easy to get stuck inside our own ideas of what is happening. Some of us have been really struggling with the past few years….all different kinds of perspectives. My teacher’s retirement just hasn’t been stretching enough to cover the cost of caring for my aging herd and savings have been getting drained the past few years. The state I live in (Oregon) has raised property taxes a lot and imposed a wildfire risk map on property owners which has caused our homeowner’s insurance to triple. I see so much wrong with the way this state is run-some really crazy ideas that don’t work well at all. The cost of keeping horses has increased a lot the past few years. My husband would also like to retire from full time working in a couple of years-he has been SO supportive of my horse addiction and even supported rescuing a couple of unwanted ones. So back to work I go ….horse lover from the “other” side…just trying to survive. For what it’s worth.
Thanks for your comment, Cyndi. I hear this from so many, and see it in my own feed bills. I have no answer. Maybe retirement is a thing of the past, too.
I’m still working full time and Iplan to continue. I worry about health care, veterans benefits and a slew of other things. I have to limit my news consumption but I buy things for my company that are made of materials that are being tariffed with no visible plan. My suppliers have declared force majeure which means they will probably ask for increases if the tariffs are actually enacted in their entirety. My horses keep me sane. Today we had much needed rain after a very dry winter. They have all rolled and are just grubby. Thank you for the well crafted essay. It made my day.
Thanks, Mary. Hurry spring.
THANK YOU, just what I needed this morning.
Thanks for reading, Barbara
This struck a chord with me. Thank you.
I’m glad. Thanks, June.