I didn’t know whether I should mention this. Is it too private to share? For questions of social etiquette, I defer to Mister. He has better manners than any of us. He ponders the question. Looks at her dragging a dog bed out the back door, and says Yeah, go ahead. Jolene’s an extrovert. She wants everyone to know everything.
This is a problem for Mister and me. We’re introverts who would rather keep our heads down incognito, but now we have this life-of-the-party girl living with us. Jolene’s forcing us to tell all our secrets. Okay, since I write memoir, I blab everything that happens, too. Mister looks at me dolefully. Butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. But that’s because he swallows so fast.
Jolene’s lady trouble came on an ordinary day. I noticed a watery pink drop on the floor. Mister was meditating as he does a few hours a day, so it had to be Jolene. I checked each of her feet, every single one of her toes, closely. Jolene normally hates this process, but she let me proceed without complaint. That I survived uninjured should have been a hint. A little while later, I saw something that was undeniably recognizable. Jolene looked almost guilty and began to clean herself. Like I wasn’t horrified at her age.
There was no way I could explain to her what was happening. My mother never found the words either. I learned at school, but it felt slightly shameful, this girls-only meeting. We were children, not women. Even if it’s a normal part of life, we couldn’t have understood. We all come into this world so innocent. So, I told Jolene she was a good girl.
Mister was neutered at three, just before he came. He would like you to know that he is a perfect gentleman. Who would expect less? He definitely knows, but he’s protective of Jolene. Never jealous, never cranky. Despite their differences, he has been closer than kin since the moment they met. Mister says he doesn’t get the credit he deserves. He’s right. Introverts never do.
This week, Jolene is suddenly more mature. She still follows so close I can feel her nose on my pant leg every stride. She plays tug and runs hard. But she keeps close and is extra licky. There is a new stillness. We had Red Tent time. It’s a girl thing, but naturally we invited Mister.
In my human family, teenage girls getting pregnant was a pretty common event. Repeatedly, the scene of the crime was the church youth group. Being the bad girl, I was the odds-on favorite to get pregnant, but I never did. Even then, I knew motherhood was not for me. When I was twenty-one, I approached a doctor about getting my tubes tied. You can imagine how that went. I asked again at thirty and got the same response. He said, one day I’d meet the right man, and I’d want kids. I’m still not sure why a man would be the deciding factor, rather than a woman making a conscious life choice.
After years of being told pregnancy was the worst crime, once married, there was pressure to have kids from my family and friends, too. Such a personal decision, but no one hesitated to question me or to let me know I was a disappointment. They said it was a foolish quirk, never believing I meant it. After my mother passed, I wondered what she might say if I flipped the question to her. Did she have a choice about having children or was it a recognized obligation? Would she have chosen differently if all options were acceptable?
Jolene has been sleeping on my lap. She isn’t her usual wild-thing self. She never had the patience for it in the past, and it’s almost scary to see her this way. Jolene is a confident, independent dog. If she is asking to be held, there must be a reason. So, we changed our plans for the week. Mister is keeping a vigilant eye on the Rottweilers next door, and I’m getting less done. But Jolene would kill me if we missed scent-work class.
I sent a Code Red message to my instructor, acknowledging that Jolene is disruptive on a good day. She emailed me back, saying Jolene was not disruptive. This otherwise sensible woman also said, “It is very good practice for the boys so they learn how to behave (neutrally) around girl dogs. Something I think should also be taught in middle school for humans, but I digress…” Woof.
Jolene complained bitterly. The required panties are terrible. I used the Three Bears approach to shopping. Three trips before we had a workable pair, but there was a hole for someone else’s tail. They infringed upon her natural lace bloomers. They cut indiscreetly tight at her waist but still slid down. If this wasn’t humiliating enough, the dreaded corset/harness went on. I thought about cutting her some slack and only using a collar, but her little pinhead.
Entering class, Jolene slithered to the chairs. Brody, a soft-hearted, impeccably behaved older dog who has always been her friend, came apart. I apologized to his human as he embarrassed himself trying to charm Jolene. She sat tall on my lap, ignoring him and hanging on every word from the instructor. By the end of class, Brody was flat on his back with his feet in the air. Exhausted. Unrequited.
When it was Jolene’s turn to search, she half-walked and half-spasmed to the start. I said the magic words, find it. Instantly focused, her body stilled, and she searched. The hides were high up on walls and under steps. I asked her to show me, to be more precise about the scent location. She did just that. Jolene worked like a pro, methodical and quick. When finished, she jerked and shuddered back to our chair, possessed by her panties again.
I’m not giving Jolene a choice about whether she’d like to have puppies. Maybe it’s unfair to thwart her instinct, but the world is not short of puppies. I tell her what I have told them all. This lifetime, it’s just us. Mister lets out a sigh of approval.
A lot of humans refer to themselves as their companion animals’ mothers. Humans think it lifts animals up, but looking at the world, I’m not so sure. It feels presumptuous when the vet adds my last name after theirs. It’s not a joke to me. Motherhood is a sacred trust. And animals are not a consolation prize. They are a different choice.
There was a huge full moon this week, pulling the tides of the ocean, the hormones of my young dog, and waves of gratitude in my chest. I’m the age of the last threat and the most selfish reasoning. Without children, they said, I’d have no one to take care of me in old age. Ridiculous, says Mister.
It’s remarkable how many of the decisions we make as kids remain true all our lives.
Each day, we hold each other with our eyes. Jolene is glowing like a queen. A hormonal Viking who taps me with her nose to ask a question. Mister hums If Lovin’ You is Wrong, I Don’t Wanna Be Right under his breath. Edgar Rice Burro chimes in from the barn. It’s hard to explain what it means to live with animals. Not to leave them separate, but to take them into the center of life with unquestioning acceptance on both sides. All these years, it’s still the adventure of living like a pilgrim in a new world.
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Women Aging Cantankerously
« Motherhood is a sacred trust. (…) They are a different choice. » Alternate perspective of the transformative kind. It’s like saying living creatures of the seas and oceans are NOT seafood. They are wildlife.
Burdened by the added guilt of a « different choice », how many of us, I wonder, wander the earth parrying, avoiding, lying, justifying when confronted with the inevitable question… ‘No kids…?’ Suspension points soaked in the awkward silence one cringes from… Today I embrace it… hell no I own it. Pride. And if I’m feeling mean I might add a nah prefer animals. Always have. Yay.
In a week… a date… as if one needs reminders to remember… Words can be are buoys in wastelands.
Thanks, Prita. It’s a question that leaves a mark, no matter the choice.
As a single mature 😏 woman running a sanctuary for elderly and handicapped farmed animals (horses included), I couldn’t agree more about life lived with the animals. I am never lonely, life is never dull, and I never worry I’m not getting my exercise. Loving this journey with Jolene ☺️
Thanks, Jessica. Carry on!
“It’s remarkable how many of the decisions we make as kids remain true all our lives.”
As a child, I just wanted to be with animals. Now, at 70, my strangely patient husband (it doesn’t come naturally to him) suggests that maybe I have too many pets, since it takes most of my especially-in-the-winter energy to take care of all of them! But friends tend to call me when poor health or whatever demand that they re-home someone. Besides, now I have a lovely pair of geese–I’ve never had geese, and they’re quite fun to watch bossing the dogs around. The herding dogs are being herded. At any rate, I have my childhood dream. Now I just have to stay open to clues as to how to keep this fun going and still get other stuff done.
Thanks, Marijane. I love the herders being herded. But I’ve been herded by geese, too.
I think I was eight when I told my mother that “Babies are boring, I want puppies and kittens instead”, there was no need to mention ponies since they were always in the plan. My girls were only intact until they retired from the show ring. One of them retired prematurely after a nasty case of pyometra forced a spay. I blamed, I don’t know if it was correct, her period panties. Whether right or wrong, that was the last time we used them. Poor Jolen can’t eat chocolate, but perhaps she might like a heating pad?
Jolene says thank you, but she prefers her ‘natural’ heating pad.
I didn’t want kids either, ended up raising 6, none of my own, kids abandoned by their mothers who were more interested in the activity that produced those kids than having to be bothered with the inconvenience of raising them. It was tough and it wasn’t fun 95% of the time, but all 6 became productive decent people with families of their own. There were always dogs too, until the last 6 years when there was no place for a dog, I’ve now got a cat, he’s surprisingly doggy though and quite the character.
For what it’s worth, I’m glad you didn’t have Jolene spayed while still a little puppy, they do that in the shelters and it really ticked off my vet. He said that the dogs and cats really need those hormones to complete their physical maturation and he’d been seeing various problems in pets spayed or neutered in babyhood. I understand why the shelter do that but I think my vet had a point.
Well done, Aquila. This is how the world changes.
Great piece. Always so impressed by your writing. I agree that philosophy should be embedded in the middle school milieu!
Thank you, Deirdre. I’m really enjoying what I’m writing lately.
I too decided very early that motherhood was not for me. At 62 years of age, I have never once regretted it. I was lucky to find a doctor who agreed to me getting my tubes tied at 36 – a bit of a rarity here in NZ and Aussie ( where I was living at that time). I have infinite time and patience for animals but not those of the human kind. They’re different.
Kim, you make me smile. Easy to be patient with animals because being with them is so pleasant…
I always read, even if I do not always comment. But there are just times that you move me so much with your words, and I feel fortunate and grateful that you are putting your words out into the universe. I am older than you, and I just hope you keep on writing until I am not here to read…and long after that for those others who will learn from you.
Thank you for the encouragement. Sometimes I think writing is its own reward. Usually I think writers need readers for the circle to complete. Meaning you do have a job here and thank YOU for reading, Suzassippi.
I don’t own a dog, haven’t lived with a dog since I was about 12 yo. I have absolutely no clue what your post is about! I’ve never seen a dog in panties, I don’t understand what’s going on! I thought maybe you had her spayed, but you don’t exactly say that either…. Not sure if I’m looking for an explanation??
Another childless woman here, 69 years old, product of an unhappy marriage where it was obvious that having children was something expected and wouldn’t have been the choice of either, had they had the choice in the 50s. No coincidence that both of us sisters and a half-sister decided to have no kids. I went farther and decided that marriage itself was the problem, and it was more fun to spend my money on travel — and HORSES! I found your blog when a friend bought me your book Undomesticated Women, which I was. Luckily I found a man who was looking for the same thing, and we’ve been LIS (living in sin, as his mother constantly reminds us, he is a profound disappointment to her) for 35 years enjoying travel and HORSES.
Thanks for commenting, Karen. I’m glad you found your way to ‘not being normal’ so well. I am glad to hear that you all had a choice. Mostly, hooray for finding horses and travel! Two of my favorite things. (The panties work like a sanitary pad for humans. Helps with the mess)
200% agree about teaching the middle school boys (speaking as the mom of a middle school girl). If only that were the norm. Very cool to hear your trainer’s perspective. Isn’t it funny that we expect stallions to behave around mares but expect trouble from intact make dogs?
I never wanted kids, always preferring the company of animals, plus didn’t want to bring girls into this world. Guess what I had lol. One day it just changed for me, couldn’t really tell you why, but speaking as a mum I think there is a lot of overlap between the role we play with animals and kids. Mostly we spend all our time trying to give them what they need and trying not to screw them up 🙂
I do agree that is how we spend our time with animals and kids, but will hold on the difference between the two. Wishing you and your daughter the best, Shaste. I am sure it’s an adventure.
Another really great post, Anna – I do understand completely.
I have two kids – but to be honest (and I love them more than anything) my goal in life was NOT motherhood – rather something anything to do with horses, well, and dogs, cats, rabbits – you get the drift.
Someone who feels they have the right to ask questions regarding a person’s PRIVATE decisions lacks “education”!
Actually, I do remember a “first” AND last date with someone a long (in the 1970s) time ago – when I allowed as how I really didnt plan to re-marry – “well, who will take care of you when the kids leave home”? SERIOUSLY! This guy has already been married a couple times & went for No. 3 shortly after.
As bad as some things are currently – there have been improvements in some areas.
Interesting to get the speech from that direction, all right. Thanks for the comment… and all the years of comments. Best wishes to you, Maggie.
“It’s hard to explain what it means to live with animals. Not to leave them separate, but to take them into the center of life with unquestioning acceptance on both sides.” AMEN!
I came from a broken home and NEVER wanted children; never wanted to hurt like I saw my mom hurt; never wanted to put another child through the pain I lived. Married a man who came from a patriarchal family who was sure I’d change my mind – what woman DOESN’T want children? Yeah, probably not my best life choice but we’ve made it work for 41 years and I couldn’t afford horses (or sheep) without a horse vet for a husband. After 17 years of marriage God told me I needed to let go of my fears and be willing to have a child. I prayed I couldn’t, but had our son when we were both 40; one and done. He’s been a challenge from age 2.5; no surprise to me but very much so to my husband; ha. I have no expectations that he’ll take care of either of us in our old age, but who knows. Life is a learning experience no matter what direction we take; animals are definitely easier to train than animals, and much better companions. That said, we need to make plans about who will take custody of our animals if something happens to us; I formalized that before my bilateral knee replacement surgery last April (and reminded my son as we left for the ER the night of my stroke).