The Gap Between Wanting a Horse and Having the Horse You Want

Sometimes it happens behind a trailer. The horse needs a moment, but the human is in a hurry. Horses and humans famously define “hurry” differently. The human tries one approach, and the horse is almost ready to get in, but since the human doesn’t read Calming Signals, they give up and try something else. Then the horse has to start over, too. With each successive change in approach, the method escalates, and the horse can’t settle and think. We can’t give in and convince ourselves that harsh methods are needed.

Now there are ropes and whips and we feel as cornered as the horse. The dream of a quick fix encouraged us to change our approach when really, it’s last time to appear unreliable or inconsistent. Finally, both sides (because now the horse and the human are on different sides) are confused, frustrated, emotional, and most of all, unhappy. Everyone has a trailer issue now. Maybe they didn’t the time before, but both sides doubt each other now.

Sometimes it’s a client who is not happy with how her horse is doing in lessons. Between lessons, she reads online tips about quick solutions to riding challenges and methods to make horses stop doing it wrong. She wants the ride she has in her head and neither her horse nor her trainer cooperate. Each week she tries something she just saw in a video that was edited to perfection. She tries it once, maybe twice, and it doesn’t work. And she isn’t practicing what she’s learning in her lessons. It’s taking too long, the horse seems a bit dazed, so she fires that trainer, and looks for another who will get the job done. A trainer who cares more about the result than the horse, and things are in such a mess that it feels like a better fit at first. Except her horse has to start over, too, and now the horse is reeling. 

(Wait, I have to interrupt myself here. I constantly hear stories about horrible trainers. Everyone has a disastrous experience and I want to say, “You know I’m a trainer, right?” I’ll be the first to admit there are some monsters impersonating trainers, violent and cruel to horses. And some trainers don’t have the education to do the job. It takes more study than you’d think. But I get defensive for myself and so many trainers who get fired for seeming to go too slow. Some of us change, and speed up to please our clients, who still aren’t pleased with us. Others of us soldier on, knowing our job is to help the client understand, as well as their horse. Patience, Grasshopper, isn’t the answer they want.) 

Back to the unhappy human who now has a horse that has lost trust in humans and lost confidence in himself, but is still trying. It’s crazy how much horses are willing to cooperate. They are herd thinkers, they want to get along, but now the horse is confused and frightened, trying to do the right thing but he can’t find it. He is at war with himself, too. Somewhere along the way, he developed some health issues, maybe ulcers or a sore back. Add a bad saddle fit and perhaps poor farrier work. As much as the horse was trying to express his discomfort, the visible thing was the horse not behaving.

Meanwhile, the disgruntled human really wants to figure it out. The horse just needs a tune-up after all. Certainly not as involved as installing a new engine. Even though she tried everything before going to a trainer in the first place. She loves her horse, as if loving horses was a solution.

They are at a crossroads. The human must get rid of the horse or start over. And the horse doesn’t care which, his life is a mess, and he knows it. Luckily, even desperation has a high side, it’s a time of opportunity. In other good news, humans overthink and over-dramatize, so hopefully, we get to this place quickly. It feels broken, but we’ve just lost our rhythm, and maybe some empathy.

When we flip-flop between techniques, it’s like reading the first ten pages of a book, only to give up and start another. We never know how anything ends and our horses are dragged along. It’s common sense that horses don’t have push buttons and aren’t machines in need of a tune-up. We should also know horses have a set of emotions nowhere near as simple as a gas engine, and ignoring those is how we all got here. 

One day, if luck holds, a stray thought grazes its way across the human’s mind. It’s a process of elimination, really, the only thing untried. Blaming the horse or the trainer didn’t help. What if it’s our fault? Once we get over ourselves, it’s good news. Humans can change. What if our love for horses made us blind, like a giddy teenager love? Maybe it’s time to get past the romance and into a genuine relationship. It’s how we become miracles to our horses. We give up trying to scare or cajole them into doing what we want.

Call it work, or call it training, but really, it’s building new habits. And the human goes first. Yes, the human has to change if the impasse is to be resolved. We let go of being the predator and become a safe place. So, we start over, back to the fundamentals. It’s humbling to offer more than we get back. Think of it as loyalty to give the horse the time he needs. Consider leading by example. “Train” yourself to breathe. Breathing is a way of resolving anxiety, the horse’s and our own. It’s opening the door to progress.

Once we stop looking for pass/fail signs, like whether a horse will load in the trailer, and shift to seeing nebulous traits like trust and confidence, we’re on the right track. It doesn’t mean the trailer anxiety is over, it just means we are capable of listening rather than throwing a tantrum. Take some pride in that. It’s not easy to break a tradition so accepted. Listening is the bridge to where both horse and human want to be, but the bridge needs to be strong enough to hold his weight. Now, stay the course! Horses don’t believe us at first, and it feels just like going too slow. 

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Affirmative training is the fine art of saying yes.