The Joy of Imperfection

We are sick to death of the violence against horses. It isn’t just the damage caused by rollkur in reining and dressage, or racing youngsters until their legs break, or the tragic mess rodeo has become, or the horses being tossed to auction for the crime of being old or lame. My personal thorn in the eye is the general acceptance of fear-based training in horses too young to be ridden. The numbers are astronomical, way higher than the abuse stories that hit the news. How did terrifying youngsters become so common that we barely notice it? Researchers inform us that they found the fabled “dominance hierarchy” in only one genus. Want to guess who?

The thing I hear most often from critics is that affirmative training will get people hurt. As if we need a lion tamer’s whip and chair to be with horses. What silliness. Peace happens when one side stops fighting. Is it possible that they’ve never tried it?

We don’t hear the criticism because we have some understanding of stress messages, what we call Calming Signals. We see the horse’s emotions, their fear and panic, perhaps more clearly than others. It’s like the glass is broken and now we can perceive the cruelty, but it causes sharp slivers in our eyes. It practically blinds us and still, we can’t unsee it.

The awareness of abuse leaves a mark on us. It gives their cruelty a second shadow life in our home barns when we allow ourselves to be colored by the misdeeds of others. We scrutinize ourselves more closely than railbirds ever would. There is an extra layer of pressure to be perfect, as if we have a chance of sliding into wickedness if we blink an eye. Thoughts of that violence linger in the air when working with our own horses. With the best intentions, we question our confidence.

So afraid of damaging our horses, we walk on eggshells and second-guess ourselves. We are so careful to go slow that horses wonder if we are too dim to partner with. Sometimes we don’t dare to experiment or ask them advanced questions for fear of being misunderstood by our horses. We censor ourselves, practically disabled by the cruelty of others, even though we are kind. And then we loudly proclaim our tiny misdeeds twice as often as our successes. 

I shouldn’t have to say this. We are not the bad guys. Please stop acting guilty. It makes the horses nervous.

For all the methods we would never use, shouldn’t there be a clean, easy, and somewhat straight path to training correctly? Maybe a One-Step Process to Kind Training for the Horse of Your Dreams, just $19.99? That illusion of an easy method was the sales pitch for harsh training, remember?

In horse training, there isn’t one clear path. There is no one-size-fits-all. It isn’t just that every horse is unique and every human one of a kind… it’s that every pairing adds up to twice as much rarity. A different meaning to the idea of oneness. Each horse and human twosome are just that wildly exceptional. 

But we don’t trust ourselves. It feels almost normal to not want to make a move before we know it’s right, but are we gasping for air in a corset of our own perfectionism? Girls, let out your gut and breathe some fresh air in. Howl at the moon, muck in your pajamas, ride at dawn, but for crying out loud, do not let the haters win. Do you have a dark secret that in your past you were cruel because someone told you to? Lay that burden down. We all did the same. We weren’t perfect when we started with horses and aren’t perfect now. That’s the good news. Imperfection is part of being unique, it’s the crack that lets possibility in. 

Forgive yourself, so your horse can be free of your past mistakes. Please stop apologizing. It makes horses nervous.

In this light, let your horse be imperfect. More than that, celebrate it. Tell them they’re good when they get nervous, to remind them who they are. Be emotionally consistent because a partner should be dependable. Like us, most horses have experienced the bad side of horse training, but we can build new habits. We can be consistent in our affirmation of horses on all days. We can become trustworthy. Horses understand what we want and if we accept that some days, they can’t do it, our connection grows stronger. They begin to trust that we can listen as well as ask. 

The alternative to needing to be perfect is acceptance. Of course, there are going to be ups and downs, brilliance and lameness. If your horse can have bad days now and then, he can rise above on other days and show you something you didn’t know. We can keep our awareness sharp without being critical, we can just say yes and not let the past damage the future. By celebrating all these things, our horses can grow from uncertain youngsters to steady confident adults, and if we are very lucky, on to the golden days of an old campaigner. Partners for life. Could anything be sweeter?

We take ourselves so seriously. Rising above the fray is over-rated. Horses don’t judge us, only caring about their safety. They are more resilient and spontaneous. This is the trade. Learn the important things from your horse. Take a nap after breakfast. Roll in the dirt, stay out in the rain. And stop fussing with your hair. Trade perfection for the peace of barn quiet, the joy of spontaneity, and the chance to see the world through another’s eyes. Let winning mean that we don’t quit. It won’t be pretty every moment, but it doesn’t have to be. Laugh it off and flounder on. 

Perfection is not real. Invariably, we hit bumps and blind curves, and so much is beyond our control. Some things will have to change to make way for the new things we can’t yet imagine. We can clutch the past and simmer in resentment and self-loathing, or we can smile and flounder on through what life gives us. Floundering on means progress forward. Floundering on means we accept all the parts of ourselves without condition. Perfect in our imperfection. Just like a horse, alive in each moment.

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Relaxed and Forward Training by Anna Blake is no longer on Facebook because of repeated hacking. If you appreciate what I write, please share, subscribe to this blog, or join us at The Barn School.

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Affirmative training is the fine art of saying yes.

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Available Now! Undomesticated Women, Anectdotal Evidence from the Road, is my new travel memoir. Ride along with us on a clinic tour through 30 states, 2 oceans, and 14k miles with me and my dog, Mister. It is an unapologetic celebration of sunsets, horses, RV parks, roadkill, diverse landscapes, and undomesticated women. Available now at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and signed copies from me.

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